Language · Music · Relationships


by Akumbu Uche


The word ‘douchebag’ is one of those Americanisms that I never really understood.

At best, I thought it was a descriptive noun only applicable to a certain type of American high school/college male student – a cross between ‘jock’ and ‘frat boy’.

But recently, I’ve realized that we have our own fair share of douchebags too, and quelle horreur, I keep bumping into them. So far, the ones I have encountered have all been male, totally consumed with themselves and annoying.

So what/who exactly is a douchebag?

A douchebag is:


  • The married man who knows that you know that he is off the market yet thinks nothing of telling you, “I can’t help myself but I like you and I want to date you.”
  • The guy who decides that the best time to ask you out is when both of you are in the company of other people.
  • The guy who equates almost knocking you down with his shiny sports car with sweeping a lady off her feet.
  • The guy who gets angry when you act on your right to not give him your phone number.
  • The guy who thinks he’s paying you a compliment when in fact he’s being very rude, e.g. “I preferred you when you were bulky.”
  • The guy who floods your phone with chauvinistic text messages, and then when you confront him about his inappropriate behaviour, acts like anyone who doesn’t share his phallic sense of humour belongs in a mental asylum.
  • The guy you meet in the cinema who thinks an Angeleno-Cockney-Texan accent will impress you; too bad that when you bump into him 2 weeks later….
  • The guy whose idea of making first-time conversation is to spill out all the details of his recent breakup, then caps it off by giving you a lecherous look and adding, “That doesn’t mean I’m not a good lover, you know.”
  • The guy who thinks that by laughing derisively at everything you say, he’s displaying a high level of intellect.
  • The guy who decides to punish you for not picking up his call by consistently not picking up your calls and not replying to your text messages.
  • The guy who assumes that your life revolves around money. He loves nothing better than to send you monthly texts, ‘I just came back from London and I got you some things. Call me.”
  • The guy who calls you up just to say, “Where are you? What are you doing? I’m bored. Come over to my house.” Wait; is that what the Americans refer to as a ‘booty call’?
  • The guy who because you’ve spurned his advances, goes around maliciously telling people, “If not for me….”
  • The ex boyfriend who has nothing better to do than to keep tabs on your love life. “So, are you dating anyone?”

Like I said before, Beware of the Douchebag.